Low expectations vs. a negative attitude

More often than not, I think of myself as an optimist. Not really the blue-sky, everything-is-going-to-be-rosy kind, but more the pragmatist who is convinced that people are usually motivated toward a good outcome for others as well as themselves, and that the universe is set up to steer toward the furtherance of our cause. That cause, by the way, is survival of the species.

I come to the game with an odd mix of beliefs. I hold to the concept of a universe of infinite plenty and endless kindness. At the same time, I'm grounded in my scientific training to know the truth of action/reaction and known outcomes when particular ingredients are combined.

To boil it down to the essence of it, I hold low expectations as to the outcome of any endeavor even as I have high hopes. Is this the right way to work toward the fulfillment of my dreams? I don't know, but it feels right to me.

The distinction between low expectations and having a pessimistic attitude is an important one to make. The pessimist expects things to go wrong, and in some ways relishes the poor result.

The mildy optimistic person, in contrast, takes the same result, figures out what small portion of the outcome was in the right direction, and seeks to repeat the effort with knowledge of what worked the first time.

My friends and mentors Patti Digh and David Robinson use an exercise which wonderfully illustrates this contrast. It is called, "Yes, but..."

Here's the way it works. Two people exchange statements. After the first one speaks, and let's create a sample conversation: "We are going to invent a vehicle to fly to Saturn" the partner is to respond with a statement addressing the intent, beginning with 'yes, but' like this: "Yes, but it will cost too much money to try to develop this crazy idea."

Now, the first person responds, also with 'yes, but'. "Yes, but we have the brain power to do it." and the second person, "Yes, but lots of those people will abandon the project for higher-paying jobs before we are done."

You get the idea: it is a game which gradually reduces the playing field for the first, wildly creative suggestion. Sooner or later, the inevitable conclusion is to give up.

Right after that exercise, Patti and David offer the salve for the wounds created by 'Yes, but...'. It is, 'Yes, and...'.

Watch how differently it goes, starting from the same place:

"We are going to invent a vehicle to fly to Saturn."

"Yes, and once we get to Saturn, we can improve it and make it faster, and investigate even farther out from our home planet."

"Yes, and as we learn more and search farther, we will become better at caring for our home, even as we find new places we could live."

Clearly, what is happening is an expansion of the playground, a growth in the energy of the conversation, a creation of a dynamic of cooperation which is the opposite of the earlier scenario.

"Yes, but" is a competition to see who can hit bottom first. It is adversarial.

"Yes, and" is a cooperative effort to kick the energy up and expand the creativity of a relationship.

The exercise is illustrative of the difference between being cautiously optimistic--in other words, hopeful of a positive outcome even while holding low expectations--and being a glass-half-empty believer.

Let's spell it out: my stance is one which allows for a less-than-ideal outcome yet positions me to continue because I never expected to receive all I asked for. Thus, I am not disheartened. I learn what worked, discover what did not, and I go for the goal again with greater information to help gain a better result.

The negative-attitude people will declare "victory" (if one can declare it a win when everyone loses) because the negative outcome was what came about, and quit. They predicted the worst, it happened, their individual ego needs are met by the result, and they are done.

The person like me says, "I learned a lot from that experience, and I'm ready to try again!"

The one with a negative attitude says, "See? I told you there was no way that would work."

Here's what I have noticed: my attitude promotes further pursuit. The other attitude actually discourages any further action, as further action might prove a different eventual outcome, one which the negative ego did not predict.

I'm having fun digging into the work of Bernie DeKoven, a man who has made it his life's work to find the fun. He teaches us what fun is about, how it benefits us in all arenas of our lives, and he lives what he teaches. He teaches that it is a participatory sport, not just one where you sit on the sidelines. This post is dedicated to Bernie and his good (and fun) works.