OFG XVII

[editor's note: The OFG is my alter ego, The Old Fat Guy. He is witty, deep-thinking, clear in as few words as he can manage, and in need of a hamburger. Usually, his posts will be collections of his thoughts briefly expressed on a dozen or so seemingly random topics. They will seem to be random due to their randomness. We now return you to the OFG...]

Friends

Nourish your friendships as enthusiastically as you do the parts of your life you most cherish. These are the people who will stand by you when you announce on national TV that you are honest 99% of the time (and are 87% fat-free).

Worship

If you are moved to do so, please do. If you are moved to tell me all about it, please don't.

Gelato

Who are we kidding with this craze over Italian ice-something? Ice cream should be sinful, not light, fruity, or less than 10% milkfat. And, it darned-well should cost less than 3 bucks a scoop.

Queen of the road

I don't know if it is some indication of the fall of civilization approaching, but at least in my neck of the woods, the number of aggressive drivers seems to be going up, and, worse, more and more of them are now women. When we start turning women into insensitive jerks dangerously weaving in and out of traffic in a 4-ton SUV, we may well be approaching the end of the road.

Maniacal laughter

It is a true talent to be able to laugh so loudly and with such conviction that people stop and stare. It takes all you've got, also, which is good training for those times when you know something is going to require all you've got. If you can laugh like a maniac, you already know what that means.

Just say yes

No deep thought here, just a hint that wishing to say 'yes' as your first instinct will make your life more fun. Maybe not more profitable, but more fun, for sure.

Babysitting

Because I was the eldest of four kids, I almost never earned any money babysitting. I was always earning my dinner (fish sticks...ugh) taking care of my sisters and brother. From what I hear, though, it is a cake job. Well, except for when the kid you are caring for has diarrhea and needs to vomit at the same time. At least in that case you know why the parents suddenly needed to bring you over and hastily head to the movie. Remember the upchuck service fee when you calculate what they owe you.

Kitchen duty

Guys, get with the program and help out. Your spouse or significant other can steer you toward what they will find most helpful for you to do. Negotiate something which you both can live with. Grilling steaks or burgers, by itself, doesn't cut it in the 'hey, I'm doing my part' category.

Oprah

I'm weary of Oprah, but I find many of her guests fascinating. She has become like Larry King, only more female and more black and much younger, while wearing better clothes. In other words, her questions and her reactions are as familiar and predictable as are Larry King's. I watch them both, at least occasionally, because they both have the clout and ratings numbers to draw interesting people to their shows.

Bathtubs

I don't know when it happened, but American home builders seem to have lost their understanding of the reason one has a bathtub. High-end homes are a different beast and are not addressed here. I'm talking about the mid-market home. A bathtub is not just a shower which is shaped funny. It is supposed to be a place where one can get a good soak, a good relaxing few minutes, a great respite. Today's bathtubs are so small that if one decides to recline, you learn what your knees taste like.

Tolerance

When we celebrate and learn from the ways we are different, we grow. When we build walls to keep away those very differences, we don't just shrink. We start down the path to extinction.

Relatives

I adore all my siblings, both my parents, and my offspring (most of the time, for all these categories). My wives (no, not at the same time...I am a serial husband) were chosen, even if their families were not fully vetted prior to the wedding, so you can rightly assume I found them both to be uniquely suited to suffer close encounters. Julia is a marvelously patient woman, yet I don't seek to test that patience. It just works out that way.